Twenty-six. The big 2-6. Six years and twenty.
I'm 27 now. I meant to write up something for my birthday a few days ago, and hopefully I can do that in the future, but this year, here and now, I'm a few days late. And I think that sums up my twenty-sixth revolution around our sun. A few days late. Maybe as I write this it won't feel like I'm late, and late to what I don't exactly know, but at the start here, with nothing but an imperfect memory and the next hour or so of self-reflection...
I feel like I'm a few days late.
How the Year Started
Wonderfully. Let's see, last August I was finishing up what I thought was my last draft of my first novel, Truth's Overture. I had given it out to beta readers a couple of times by then, and it felt like it was in a good place after the most recent revision, so I started sending it out to literary agents. I wanted Truth's Overture to be traditionally published. I still do. At the time, however, I thought, "Okay, I'll try handing it out for a few months, query a few dozen agents, but if I don't get anywhere by the end of the year, I'll self-publish."
I did not. Truth's Overture is now another draft deep and is currently in the hands of an editor.
My professional life was pretty good, too, in August. Around that time, maybe a month or two later I'm not sure, I approached the writing team at Epic Games and asked if I could help contribute to the team in some way: writing flavor text for Fortnite: Battle Royale or helping with item naming, things like that. They welcomed me with more than open arms and were encouraging just as much as they were guiding. I learned a lot from them this last year; from everybody over at Epic, really, and I'm so incredibly happy to count them all among my friends.
But the first major bump in the road was the layoffs.
Layoffs
Looking back at the news, it says the layoffs happened in September of 2023. To be honest, I thought it was later, but the end of September sounds about right. I remember the fear more than anything else. I had made friends with the other development coordinators at that time, and I remember seeing the group messages begin to trickle in while the rest of the company was being told of the layoffs.
"Dude, people are getting FIRED."
"I know."
"My lead just told me what's going on. I hope everyone's safe!"
I hope everyone's safe.
I won't go into too much detail here. There's so much I could say that would constitute a whole blog post of itself, and I'm kind of surprised how difficult it is for me to look back at that moment, even now, almost a year later. My chest tightens, my heart screams, and my tears threaten with each rewrite of each sentence as I try and convey exactly what it felt like to no avail. Maybe one day I'll be able to communicate it. When I'm a better writer.
I will, however, say this: I was scared. I think, as a 3rd party contract employee, I wasn't at risk of the layoffs like my other coworkers, but I didn't know that. I still don't know if I just wasn't at risk, or if I simply wasn't placed on the chopping block that day.
ANYWAYS.
After that, professional life was kind of weird. For months the layoffs were this strange thing that everyone wanted to talk about, but no one wanted to talk about. It wasn't taboo, per say, but it was broached in conversation like two people who had witnessed a murder, but were unsure if they could trust what they saw.
And that was the mood in the studio when I started writing for Fortnite. A stranger time I do not think could have existed. I liked the work, small as it was at first, and I found I was good at it. Greatness is a trophy I don't know I'll ever grasp, and I certainly never grasped it here, but I was good. I think it's the first thing in my life I have been good at. Years of learning how to write creatively, and how to write for games specifically, were finally able to come together and I wasn't crashing and burning.
NaNoWriMo
Toward the end of 2023, I participated in NaNoWriMo. I got some friends together and we all challenged each other to the task of writing 50,000 words during the month of November. I tackled it with vehemence and gusto! Which quickly faded into a slog around the middle of the month. The book I was writing - the first draft of a novel I've been calling The Price of Killing a Soul - was much, MUCH different than Truth's Overture. A wild-west inspired murder mystery set in a world where the souls of the dead live alongside mortals, and where a sheriff hunts down a gang member who has found a way to grant souls a final death.
By the end of November, The Price of Killing a Soul was at about 43,000 words. 7,000 short of the goal, but the rough draft was finished. I ended the year making revision notes, with the goal of finishing a first draft by the end of January.
It took me until the end of March. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Gastric Surgery
The biggest life moment of 2023 for me happened just after Christmas. December 28th, I think. If my shoddy memory serves. That was the day I got gastric sleeve surgery. My weight has fluctuated over the years, and I was by no means the heaviest that I've been during 2023, but I was close. I was flirting with the 390's, somewhere in there. By the time my surgery date rolled around, I was 368 I want to say.
Surgery was hard. I remember waking up in the hospital bed after the anesthesia wore off. Confused, groggy, and in so much pain. The kind of pain that makes you writhe, kicking your feet and waving your arms and twisting your head, even when the pain isn't there. Like you're trying, desperately to wiggle it out of your bones with every muscle you can move. Every muscle except those that were just cut into and ripped away. I've tried writing about the pain since then, but my talents as a writer are not yet great enough to mirror those feelings with exactness. I am, only, good.
Then we turned to January. To 2024.
More Writing
As I said, I had told myself I would self-publish Truth's Overture if I didn't get any bites from literary agents. And, as I said, I am a few days late. I told myself, "Another year. I'll do everything I can during this year to make it the best I can, and if I still can't find an agent, I'll self-publish."
Maybe I'll keep that promise this time around.
I doubt it, though.
I started the year wanting to write more. to get better. to scratch and gnaw my way toward great from good. Really, if we're being honest, we're talking prose here. So, to scratch toward good from passing. I made it my goal to write a short story in every genre, following the 14 genres John Truby talks about in his book Anatomy of Genre. The first was Horror, so I read and watched and played horror; a genre that makes me extremely uncomfortable. I don't like getting scared. It berates my senses with loud noises and difficult imagery.
At the same time, I was working on the first draft of The Price of Killing a Soul. I don't know why I found revising that book so difficult. It took me 3 times as long as I thought it would have, and sitting down to write that story was like pulling teeth despite my love for the characters, plot, world - everything. But I finished it in March and sent it off to some friends to read and get some early feedback that was very positive.
Then I finished and published Confession, my horror short story.
Oh, I almost forgot. At some point I re-released Forgiveness: Anthology of Elijah Jefferson on hardcover. I did some tweaks, fixed some spelling errors, and even narrated an audiobook version for YouTube. I still love that story, but it's difficult for me to recommend because of its very amateur writing. Confession I think is a better story, writing-wise, but in a genre I don't particularly like. It's hard for me to recommend that one, either, because I don't want people's introduction to me - their impression of me as a writer - to be horror. It gives me, as the children say, "the ick".
Which leaves me in a strange position that I'll get into later.
Talks of Employment
Let's see, I think it was April or May when I reached out to the writing team at Epic about potentially coming onto the team as a full-time writer once my contract was over. That's when talks began about headcount and a bunch of other things I'll be honest I don't really understand, but the bottom line was that they (the writing team) were excited by the possibility of my joining their ranks. (Officially).
That was when the talks started. Now, 4ish months later, I'm still anxiously awaiting whether or not a position will become available.
Around that time, I also enrolled in a six-week Game Writing Masterclass course. It was a great experience where I learned a ton that I've taken with me into my professional AND personal life. As is evident in this post, I have a lot of creative projects I work on, and what I learned in Susan O'Connor's class has helped me plan and navigate all of them.
Writing Woes
After Confession was published, I got started on writing the next short story in my personal genre study project. An action story. However, I don't think I can write something that is just action, so I started with a sci-fi action story I've tentatively called Titan Orion. From start to publication, I wanted Titan Orion to be finished in 2 months.
After 2 months, I was only halfway through the first draft.
Now, if you don't mind a sudden skip forward to today, I think it's because subconsciously I knew that the plot I had outlined was riddled with problems after the mid-way point. Having now read back through it after months away (the first draft having crossed the finish line back in May I believe), it's clear that it's a strong story until a specific point, and then everything falls apart. Nothing feels right, character choices don't make any sense, and the emotional payoff I'm trying to achieve just isn't hitting. I'm about to work on a revision, but if I can't figure it out in the next couple weeks... well, we can talk about future plans at the end of this blog post here.
Around May, I also reached out to an editor for Truth's Overture. I recognized that something about it wasn't quite good enough, but I didn't know what. I needed some outside eyes. I have everything set up with her, but her earliest availability was September, so I'm currently waiting.
During the months since then, I've been revising Truth's Overture, and I've only just finished out the revision and all the additional materials the editor asked for and sent them off a couple weeks ago, almost a month ahead of schedule.
Finishing Out the Year
I started building a bookshelf in July because we didn't have enough space on our existing shelf, and apparently finding a bookshelf in our town is impossible. Hottest days of the year were met with hours of work in the garage cutting and gluing and sanding and varnishing wood. I finally finished it about a week ago, and it looks great, but yeah, that took six weeks. Four more than I thought it would. But, you know, I'm really good at being a few days late.
About a week ago, I heard about a game jam that would be happening this past weekend. I was excited by the prospect and have been wanting an excuse to make another game with some friends of mine for a while now, so it seemed like a no brainer. I got my friends together, and we prepared for the game jam to start.
Friday, August 16th was my last day at Epic Games. My contract ended with many heartfelt goodbyes and well wishes to those I worked with. There's a lot of hope that I'll be able to come back, and the full-time writing position, as far as I know, is still up in the air. I have people rooting and fighting for me to join the team in every way possible, so I'm hopeful, but a definitive answer on my job security has been, along with much of the year, a few days late.
The game jam theme was announced August 16th, too. After work, I got together with the team we had built up, and then we all set about our tasks. After 4 very long, exhausting days, we finished out our game, Creature Comforts, and submitted it to the jam a few hours before the deadline. Having played a dozen or so other entries (out of the literal thousands), I think our concept is original and fun, and that our design is well executed.
And August 17th was my 27th birthday.
Highlights and Successes
Success is such a loaded term, and going through the highlights of my 26th year may seem a little redundant considering all I've just written, but I'm going to write this section anyway.
Epic's Writing Team - Reaching out to Epic's writing team to write on Fortnite was incredibly difficult, for reasons I don't think I've expressed to anyone other than myself, but it was one of the most rewarding things I've ever done. I was able to write flavor text, NPC dialogue, story quests, VO scripts, sit in on voice recording sessions, and more. Not to mention, they're all incredible people I had the absolute pleasure to work with and learn from, and I will be forever grateful to them regardless of where the potential full-time position lands.
Truth's Overture - My first novel. The longest writing project I have ever committed myself to. It's in a good spot after so many revisions, and my time working on it has made me a better writer in my other endeavors.
The Price of Killing a Soul - I pushed through the middle of the month slog that was November. Having revised and reread what I've written, I can definitely tell where I ran out of steam, but I made it. I may not have reached 50,000 words, but I finished the rough draft during November, and I'm proud of that.
Forgiveness - Re-releasing my novella in hardcover and audiobook was one of the best things I've done this year for no other reason than it feels like that story is officially done. It's felt like it's been missing something this whole time (since I published it in 2020), and now it feels complete.
Confession - Despite my aversion to horror, it was something I enjoyed writing. I think Confession serves as a good showcase of my writing at this point in time.
Portfolio Updates - Totally forgot to mention above, but I updated my portfolio as my contract was coming nearer to ending, and I'm proud of how it looks and the experience and writing samples I've been able to put on there. My only gripe is I wish I had more work I was proud of that I could showcase.
Bookshelf - I'm just proud of finishing the bookshelf. Writing has turned from a hobby to basically a part-time side hustle I'm trying to make work professionally, and I didn't really have a hobby for most of this last year. Woodworking feels like a good hobby that I can spend time in, forget about my stress, and ultimately not consider making a "professional" creative endeavor.
Creature Comforts - Finishing a game this year was an incredible experience. A live service game like Fortnite feels as though it never ends, and that there's never really a "finish" point. Having something that's out there that I can point to is good. Fortnite will be a completely different game when the next season launches, but Creature Comforts will always be Creature Comforts and will only change/update if I/the team is wanting to change/update it.
I lived.
Lowdarks and Failures
Are "lowdarks" the opposite of "highlights"? Probably. I won't focus on this too much, because otherwise it'll make me sad, but it's important to recognize where I feel I fell short.
Short Stories - Not having finished Titan Orion yet is one thing, and I'd consider it a failure if I wasn't still planning to revise it in the future. What I consider a lowdark is the fact that I allowed my roadblock of being unable to figure out how to improve Titan Orion to prevent me from continuing to write the next genre of short story. I let it stop me, rather than moving around it or bulldozing through it.
Late Drafts and Missed Deadlines - I hit several deadlines this last year, especially recently, but the ones I set for myself are always blown past. I didn't hit 50,000 words during November, it took me 3 times as long to revise The Price of Killing a Soul than I wanted. Confession took a month longer than I wanted. The bookshelf took six weeks instead of two, and many others. Part of me recognizes these as potentially unrealistic deadlines, but another part of me knows that they aren't. Sure, it might be a piece of the problem, but an unrealistic deadline is missed by a few days/weeks. A failed deadline is missed by months.
No Writing Entry - I have loads of work that I am proud of, but I have nothing that I can confidently point people to and say, "Here, you want to read something I wrote? Check this out." Despite how proud I am of Confession; it was difficult to recommend to those around me because of its genre. Despite my feelings toward Forgiveness, it was something I wrote after only writing for about a year and a half.
Waiting - I tend to be the kind of person who waits. "Everything comes in its own time, and all we can do is all we can do." I feel like if I had reached out to the writing team earlier, I wouldn't be between jobs right now. If I had started applying to places or updated my portfolio earlier, I'd have something lined up. Right now, I have nothing. And it feels like I'm just... waiting.
In the Year to Come
Let's break this up, shall we?
Career
I'd like to get a full-time job in the games industry this year. Maybe it'll happen tomorrow, maybe it'll happen 51 weeks from now. If it isn't soon, I'll need to get a job somewhere else, just in the meantime, and I worry that'll hinder my growth, especially as a game developer.
Writing
I'd like to publish more of my work. Get through another 3-4 short stories and put them out there for people to read. Ideally publish a novel, though knowing traditional timelines, asking to do that within a year is a really tight, almost impossible expectation.
I already have expectations for myself on this front, though. I plan to spend the next while revising Titan Orion or figuring out whether or not I need to shelve it until I can solve its problems. Then I'll be revising a 2nd draft of The Price of Killing a Soul before November, when I plan to write the rough draft of another book during this year's NaNoWriMo. After that, more revising, with the goal of writing a new short story come February.
Game Development
I'd like to devote more time to game design and development in my free time. Game writing and narrative design for a company is great, and I found my time at Epic to be incredibly rewarding, but I've also reignited the itch that is making things for me.
This will undoubtedly be updating and polishing Creature Comforts in the immediate future, but after that? 10ish hours a week on game design for a personal project sounds great to me. Maybe I'll even start a game project and work toward releasing it during that time.
Conclusion
You know what's funny? There's still so much I haven't mentioned. I haven't mentioned that I've lost nearly 100 lbs. since my surgery, or that I'm running a sci-fi D&D game with some buddies of mine, or that I've read some amazing books and played some amazing games this year. I'll have to talk about all that at some point. I guess for now, though...
I'll be a few days late.
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